Blog | Philipp Haidenbauer

WebDev, DevOp and Paramedic

A thing where it doesn't belong?

Posted at — Jul 1, 2019

Today I am back with another Paramedic Story. But, I have a few things to make clear at first. It is probably not safe for work and not safe for children. So if you are below the age of 18 (or 21 depending on the country) don’t read on! Seriously, don’t!

Now a few lines without content to separate the warning from the story.

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If you have read this far, you better be old enough!

This story was told to me, but I was in the room when the emergency call arrived, and dispatch played the recording to me. It happened but besides the call, I can’t guarantee for the correctness.

(Freely translated from German and memory.)

“Hello, Red Cross Emergency Line, how can I help?”

“Hello, my Girlfriend got something stuck.”

“Sir, could you please tell me where you are and what got stuck?”

Now a few personal pieces of information are exchanged, I only remember that they were on vacation.

“Thanks for the information, now, what got stuck where?”

It wasn’t a “real bad” emergency so dispatch didn’t send a vehicle off yet.

“Well, we played and something got stuck where it doesn’t belong.”

The caller was really nervous but the more information we have on arrival the better we can help.

“We can only help you if you describe the problem as detailed as possible, please go on.”

“I don’t know how to describe it, we wanted to try something new and the thing got stuck.”

A few more exhausting sentences later, we knew the problem. Dispatch called a vehicle, at that time, we didn’t have the shiny new terminals in our cars, so everything was communicated via telephone and written down at the vehicle by one of the Paramedics.

“Hey, X you got a mission. Drive to Y, there will be a receptionist waiting. A young pair had sex and tried anal. The Vibrator is now stuck in the girl’s butt. Take the patient stretcher and be as discrete as possible.”

The manhood at the vehicle asked if this was real or just a bad joke from dispatch. It wasn’t a joke.

Later I was told she needed to be operated and while they opened the colon it should still vibrate.

It sure was a bad and awkward emergency for the couple, but when I think back to it, it puts a smile on my face.